[Editor’s Note: The following feature is a collaboration between Wes “Everybody thinks I’m gay because of my twink body” Tacos and frequent child beauty pageant attendee/Destructoid mod OccamsElectric Toothbrush.]
I don’t know about you, but one of my favorite aspects of video games is their propensity to tell stories that are not only compellingbut also historically accurate. What is the point of turning on my PlayStation 4 if not to experience the stories my grandpa would tell in hushed tones while visiting the salad bar at Ryan’s Steakhouse? After two long years of waiting following the release of Battlefield 1, DICE and EA finally dropped a trailer for Battlefield V. The hype was palpable. The excitement was electric. But then something went wrong. Terribly, terribly wrong.
They put women in a video game.
Now, despite being a white male in my 30s who plays first-person shooters, I’m not technically a historian. However, what I do know is this: There were absolutely no women in World War II.
Come to think of it, women didn’t factor into any major historical movement at all. The Million Man March? Dudes only. Neil Armstrong, male astronaut, famously said it was one small step for mankind, not one small step for womankind. And women’s suffrage? You guessed it — bros passed these laws, not hoes. To put it bluntly, Battlefield V spits in the face of history and ruins what would otherwise be a 100% factual representation of Stephen Spielberg’s World War II.
But never fear, fellow truth-seekers, because games still exist that are committed to giving us the true-to-life experiences we so desperately crave. These games honor the historical record upon which DICE so proudly squat down to pee on and would NEVER compromise the tenets of truth or pillars of posterity we hold so dear. Join us, if you will, in consideration of historically accurate games you can play instead of Battlefield V.
Kingdom Come: Deliverance
No other game on the market achieves such a high representation of the epoch of man as Kingdom Come. From managing hunger levels and sleep cycles, to having to patch your wounds lest they fester and lead to your inevitable demise, and being able to go through an entire 50-hour adventure without having to see any black people, this game will definitely appeal to everyone who feels slighted by Battlefield V‘s baffling decision to let women shoot digital bullets at one another.
Somebody at some point played ping pong and it looked a hell of a lot like this. This is how it’s done, DICE.
Set during the reign of Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius in A.D. 171, you play as a Roman soldier and recent convert to Christianity who must rescue his mentor and brethren from the clutches of Satan. This game is based directly on events taken from the Bible, a book known for being 100% accurate from Let There Be Light to the somewhat somber Th-Th-Th That’s All Folks!
Super 3D Noah’s Ark
Speaking of the truth of Word in the Bible, it says in Leviticus 4:20 that, “Thou shalt put to slumber the animals under thy dominion using thine thong.” Since it was 1994 when this game came out, Sisqo hadn’t yet introduced the world to scandalous bathing apparel to somehow knock out goats on a boat, but the developers ofSuper 3D Noah’s Ark did the best imitation it could given the frankly primitive swimwear technology available to them.
As someone who is 9/85ths Cherokee, I can personally attest to the historical depiction presented here.
Ultimate Muscle: Legends vs New Generation
Though women have recently invaded the entertainment sport of wrestling, there is still a strong tradition of wrestling video games featuring men. TheUltimate Muscleseries, based on the legendary exploits of the Galactic Wrestling League, is as colorful and surreal as those tiny mathematicians that hail from the Land of the Rising Sun. Donning bright costumes with silly names like Pandaman and Kid Muscle, these wrestlers show just how nimble and spry the People of Bamboo can be. While lacking the raw strength, moral compass, and the Christian God that Western wrestlers have enjoyed, this game shows that even those who worship their ancestors as dragons can embrace the power of masculinity and overcome their bestial nature.
Not all wars are fought between countries and some battlefields are set in our backyards. Based on the Tim O’Brien short story Mad Gears in the City Clock, celebrated arcade brawler Final Fight is actually based on events O’Brien witnessed as a teenager growing up in Austin, Minnesota. The names were changed for legal reasons but the details remained exactly as O’Brien witnessed them. From Haggar’s belt strap in place of a shirt to a crying white woman with prodigious cleavage fully displayed while she begged to be rescued, it is a classic example of truth being stranger than fiction.
Cho Aniki: Seinaru Protein Densetsu
I’m gonna be honest with you here — I don’t know what any of those words mean. What I do know is Cho Aniki: Sayonara Pre-Teen Dementia is a traditional Oriental story that follows Emperor Nagasaki and his brother, Toshi, in their quest to save Japan from the dreaded round-eye Bill in his conquest of strange Eastern lands. Lauded for its gameplay which most agree is the most accurate portrayal of ancient Japanese combat techniques, this game is the perfect way to forget about all those nasty women invading our American war games. Kimono? More like, kimoyes, please!
Jonny Moseley Mad Trix
If there’s one thing white people love more than skiing, it’s having very early-00s parties at ski resorts. Someone starts break-dancing next to a pool table while nearby a professional skier feels up a female fan eager for an autograph. Somehow managing to layer two different tops without sleeves is the epitome of #whitepeople. I’ll eat my hat if you find anything more Caucasian than getting excited over the prospect of doing some mad trix on your skis in front of Danny Tanner’s crib. All the while hoping to catch a glimpse of Stephanie’s bodacious ta-ta’s as you hit the pipe for some mad air. I haven’t actually played this game — no one has — but this intro video alone is the most realistic shit I’ve ever seen.
Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch: Make My Video
Painter of Light Thomas Kincaid once said of Mark Wahlberg, “There is Jesus. There is God. Then there is Marky Mark.” Accompanied by his merry band of minstrels the Funky Bunch, Marky Mark made mass market mayhem materialize with such hits as “Good Vibrations” and “Your Mother! (How’s She Doing?).” With all things ’90s back in vogue, it stands to reason that cultural artifacts such as this would once again be called upon to tell the tale. Part video editor and part homosexual softcore pornography, Make My Video allowed the player to create new versions of Marcusy Marcus’ popular music videos using clips, all under the auspice of a pair of teenagers discovering the burgeoning sexuality together.
Stand tall, fellow upholders of truth. One day, men will finally get their due.