Overwatch characters' given names, ranked


You didn’t really think someone named their son Junkrat, did you?

Torbjörn. Zarya. Genji. Junkrat. All good, strong American names. But if you watch enough of Blizzard’s animated shorts (or Overwatch hentai), you’ll start to uncover a rich, detailed backstory to the hugely popular shooter. For example, did you know that Genji and Hanzo are brothers?

And did you know that Tracer has a real, God-given name that isn’t Tracer? The same is true for most of Overwatch‘s colorful cast, save Genji and Hanzo, who are brothers named Genji and Hanzo. No matter. Here are everyone’s government ID names, ranked.

21.Winston (Winston)

Uh, last name much? The super-intelligent, genetically engineered gorilla flees from his people — fellow gorillas who staged a a well-deserved, Planet of the Apes style uprising — because he loves humans so much. And then can’t even bother to fully assimilate to surname-having human culture. Real fucking intelligent, you Benedict Arnold-ass pussy. Harambe is rolling over in his grave.

20. Amélie Lacroix (Widowmaker)

Look, I love baseless ribbing of the French as much as the next guy, especially because those smug Eiffel fuckers had the gall to Francify my mom’s Italian middle name on her French birth certificate (the fam left Italy for a year because of THE ECONOMY so she’s the only one of the eight born there, even though they went back to Italy before, later, ending up in America). My desktop name is “Andouille-PC” because it’s fun to say. But I can’t tell if Widowmaker’s name is a joke or just the laziest possible thing.

BLIZZARD: We need a French sounding name for Widowmaker.DESIGNER: *looking around desk* I got this. pic.twitter.com/j1XojHSrrK

— Chris Person (@Papapishu) May 31, 2016

19. SST Laboratories Siege Automaton E54 (Bastion)

Is there an in-joke I’m missing here because I don’t play Blizzard games? It’s a fucking robot, you can give it any goofy you want, like “This machine kills fascists” or “OP C.H.E.A.P Robotic Unit Nahmean DMC.” Missed opportunity.

18. John “Jack” Morrison (Soldier: 76)

The name’s John…but you can call me Jack. This is almost funny by way of irony. Maybe if it was John “Jack” Jim Morrison. But who takes the world’s plainest first name and gives themselves an equally plain nickname? The name’s Tim, but you can call me Tom. Actually now it’s growing on me.

17. Jamison Fawkes (Junkrat)

PROS: Almost names after a whiskey. CONS: Remember, remember the 5th time some asshole in a V for Vendetta mask killed your entire team by becoming the tire from Rubber.

16. Satya Vaswani (Symmetra)

Pretty regular name. I understand the desire for a cool nickname. After all, I ended up being named “Steven Hansen.”

15. Lena Oxton (Tracer)

“Ox ton” should be Roadhog’s last name, really.

14. Jesse McCree (McCree)

Too much rhyme and assonance.

13. Reinhardt Wilhelm (Reinhardt)

Germans are no longer allowed on Destructoid. I think there was an ordinance about it a year or two ago, it’s so hard to remember. Bonus points for being named for a famous scream, though.

12. Angela Ziegler (Mercy)

Angela!? Angel? Isn’t that a little on the nose?

11. Gabriel Reyes (Reaper)

Learning that Reaper is Mexican-American makes the Dia de los Muertos by way of Hot Topic vibe slightly more palatable and slightly less #Darksiders2. Slightly. The skeletons in white America’s closet are mostly metaphorical. I’ve known a lot of good Gabes, too.

10. Genji Shimada (Genji)

Shares a name with the first-ever novel human civilization produced, The Tale of Genji, written by Lady Murasaki one thousand years ago. Books are dope as hell. I’ve got Italo Calvino’s Invisible Cities sitting on my desk waiting for me to find a brief moment of free time between being handsome about video games and dealing with crippling poverty, insurmountable debt, and the looming specter of next month’s rent. If you want some Japanese authors (that aren’t Haruki Murakami) you can try Kenzaburō Ōe and Kazuo Ishiguro (though the latter has mostly lived in Britain). You can also give me recommendations because I am obviously coming up short.

9. Hanzo Shimada (Hanzo)

Possibly as close to “Hansen” as a Japanese given name gets (while also invoking Gonzo) and Shimada kinda sounds like Shmurda, the guy who invented the Shmoney Dance and is currently in prison.

8. Mako Rutledge (Roadhog)

He’s named after the best Kill la Kill character.

7. Tekhartha Zenyatta (Zenyatta)

Reminds me of the currency in Mega Man.

6. Mei-Ling Zhou (Mei)

Huge missed opportunity to name her Mei Mei, the way Bryce Harper pronounces “meme,” but I understand that “mei-mei” has two distinct, very important different pronunciations in Mandarin Chinese (little sister vs. chick I want to bang in the coke-laced bathroom of this dingy nightclub) and most people in the Bay Area speak Cantonese so I will accept Blizzard’s not going for it.

5. Hana Song (D.Va)

Strong name, unfortunately still loses points because Ready Player One is embarrassing and because Jed felt the need to start a discussion about diva cups yesterday.

4. Lúcio Correia dos Santos (Lúcio)

Actually a dope name, but ultimately forgettable trivia in the Brazilian soccer tradition of one-named stars — Pelé, Garrincha, Kaká, Ronaldinho, Neymar, et al. Remember, Winston is not Brazilian nor a soccer player.

3. Torbjörn Lindholm (Torbjörn)

I once spent a week in Långholmen jail in Sweden, lingonberry jam is tasty, and I get an amusing mental picture thinking about an alternate reality “Jonathan Lindholmes.”

2. Fareeha Amari (Pharah)

“Pharah” means “joy” and is close-ish enough to “pharaoh” for western tongues to emphasize her nationality, but also a natural linguistic extension of her actual name, Fareeha. Pretty good!

1. Aleksandra Zaryanova (Zarya)

My youngest, Aleksandra