The E3 2018 Dumbstructoid Awards


Just like the Tonys, we’re also ignoring Mean Girls

Right now, I’m overcome with an immense feeling of joy. I’m happy, content even, because after seven, long days of running around the crowded hallways of the Los Angeles Convention Center and sleeping in an apartment so cold Ice Man would ask that we turn up the heat a little bit, I don’t have to go to E3 anymore. Seriously, I am so glad E3 is a thing of the past. I don’t know if it’s because I was there in person this year, because the lead-up to the show seemed like it was four months long, or because a PR guy with 505 Games put up some information about Bloodstained that got a bunch of people mad at me, but I’m happy to be done with it and moving on to more interesting things.

I can’t be too upset about the past week. Afterall, I got to play Resident Evil 2and that kick-ass Starlinkgame. This year may not have been the blow-out 2017’s show was, but there was still so much to love about it. I can’t wait to see what “Best of E3” posts we have coming our way.

This postis not about the best though. Like last year, I thought we should take a moment while E3 is still fresh in our minds to celebrate the aspects of the show that probably won’t get their recognition. I call it the DumbstructoidAwards, and this year, there was plenty of shit to “honor.” I asked our staff to keep a close watch on the festivities and create their own awards for the sophomore year of the Dumbstructoids, and here’s what they came up with.

You know, my absolute favorite games out of this year’s E3 were F-Zero SX, Fallout 3 Anniversary, and Star Fox: Lylat System. Or was that Star Fox: Grand Prix. Oh I know, it’s neither because both games were bullshit. As wereFire Emblem: Memories, Punch-Out!! Become the Champion, and Metroid Prime: Renegade.

To everyone who printed up a fake Nintendo Direct leak, posted a bunch of shit onto Reddit claiming to have heard it from a source, or Tweeted some fake bit of news you knew not to be true before E3, this award is for you. Go fuck yourselves!

Chris Hovermale ~ Memes are the DNA of the soul. They reflect our cultural and personal values. They define what we do and what we see in other people. But I never expected this. We all laughed the notion off, but none of us expected Todd Howard would be insane enough to port Skyrim to Alexa.

And then he did. Bravo, you glorious madman! Brav-fudging-o. You refused to let the jeers of everyone who is tired of Skyrimstop you! You swore to take your dream to its logical conclusion, and immediately acted on it! You deserve to let your memes come true. But we still want actual gameplay footage of Doom and Starfield and Elder Scrolls.

Honorable mentions go out to Ridley in Smash and Devolver Digital’s entire conference.

Peter Glagowski ~It has been quite some time where I watched an E3 conference and was just in awe. My cold, jaded heart makes me a cynical bastard, but Sony really killed it for me. I’m not big on The Last of Us, so that part of the conference was a wash, but when Ghost of Tsushima came on, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It felt like being a kid again and just being gobsmacked by all the pretty graphics.

I may still be gushing from just how gorgeous the visual design looks, but Ghost of Tsushima seems like an Akira Kurosawa movie come to life. That final duel reminds me so much of films like The Hidden Fortress and Yojimbo with a touch of Zhang Yimou’s Hero (which I know is not Kurosawa, but those leaves just remind me of this beautiful scene). I can’t believe how accurate the sword fighting looks, either.

To say I’m looking forward to that game would be an understatement. Everything about it seems like a dream come true, for me. If it ends up being popular, it could also mean Sega will wisen up and localize Ryu Ga Gotoku: Ishin for this! That would be incredible!

ShadeOfLight ~ “You guys complained when Mewtwo didn’t return in Super Smash Bros. Brawl. You complained when we axed the Ice Climbers for technical reasons in Smash 4. You would rather have had Wolf over Falco. You wanted Roy back. Snake. Doctor Mario. You even complained that you couldn’t play as Pichu, for heaven’s sake. Pichu!

You know what? Fuck it. If that’s the way it’s going to be, you can have it. The Pokémon Trainer, Young Link and Toon Link, all the clones we’ve ever had; I’m giving you the lot.

Also Inklings, because if we don’t have any new characters I’m sure you’ll complain about that too. Ridley is far too big, but we threw him in there as well; that’ll shut you up. We’ve given Ganondorf a sword while we were at it, even if you did complain about the number of sword users in the game already. I don’t know anymore either.

Oh, and we made sure that we acknowledged our clone characters as essentially souped-up alt costumes. Maybe now you’ll stop complaining that Lucina and Dark Pit are ‘hogging a spot’ on the roster.

Are you happy now? Are you finally happy?!”

Yes, Mr. Sakurai. Yes we are.

Jason Rodriguez ~ Each year at E3 we’ve seen the introduction of new games and characters. However, I don’t think we’ve seen the merging of two vastly different worlds in real life. It’s not just pro wrestling plus video games, it’s World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) and New Japan Pro Wrestling (NJPW) during the year’s biggest gaming event. It was WWE’s Xavier Woods and The New Day versus NJPW’s Kenny Omega and The Young Bucks — The Golden Elite. Two worlds collided in a crossover many wrestling and gaming fans did not expect.

And boy, did that crossover get “over,” a term we wrestling fans use for moments that take our collective breaths away. The New Day started out strong, finishing with a 2-1 win over The Golden Elite in a team bout. Omega then challenged Woods to a 1v1, first-to-five matchup. In the end, Omega came out on top with a 5-4 victory. As punishment, The New Day had to eat habanero peppers, but Woods was such a “good brother” to his partners that he volunteered to eat their share. Omega took this as an affront and, vowing that Woods cannot upstage him, ended up eating habaneros as well.

The two red-faced and sweaty men then admitted that their Street Fighter V faceoff was the culmination of a 3-year back-and-forth on social media and various sites. As Woods said at the end of the battle, their rivalry started after he “slid into [Omega’s] DMs” on Twitter. They were from different companies but they both loved video games — so why not bring those two worlds together?

WWE was totally “all-in” with the idea, even namedropping Omega and the Young Bucks in several articles. I had a grin from ear to ear when I watched the factions lay the smackdown with gems such as: “It’ll be the only main event you’ll ever have in your career,” “We aren’t in a bingo hall,” and “Are you getting your team of writers to script your promos?” Oh, and the Bucks even super-kicked the emcee! It was wacky, hilarious, and fun. It was wrestling superstars from the two biggest companies in the world battling it out at E3. I can say that myself, and many folks in r/Squaredcircle, were definitely “sports entertained.”

Salvador G-Rodiles ~ One of the most disappointing events of the decade is the small number of action mecha games in the market. Do people not find the idea of piloting large machines with ridiculous weapons appealing? Do developers lack the guts and courage to let players run around in a badass robot? Whatever the case may be, I may have to investigate it one day since this is an issue that needs to be fixed.

Because of my desire for this type of product, I was amazed at Nintendo for showing off Marvelous and First Studios’Daemon X Machina. From the main unit’s high-speed boosting to its insane missile attacks, I felt like I was witnessing the second coming of Armored Core. Considering that the staff was involved with the classic installments, it’s no surprise that it felt similar. It helps that the franchise’s key elements are there, such as equipping your real-type mech with your favorite weapons.

Thanks to my love for giant robots, my blood became hotter than magma when I saw it in action. While I don’t own a Switch, they managed to give me another reason to grab the console soon. WithMacross and Optimus Prime Designer Shoji Kawamori being part of the team, I’ll get to blow things up with a stylish metal partner.

Chris Moyse ~ I’d never even heard of “Drake’s Cakes” before this week, a super-processed foodstuff we don’t have at all here in the U.K. But after five days of E3 reports, I couldn’t pry it from my brain.

Drake’s spokesduck, Webster, complete with chef’s hat as if he actually went to college, wandered the halls of the L.A. Convention Center giving out preservative-filled, pre-packaged delicacies with an abandon bordering on reckless. If that wasn’t enough, the seven-foot monster even showed up on the PC presentation live stream, disturbing what was already a stressful news-reporting process with his weird neck hole and soul-peering DEAD EYES.

Well played Drake’s Cakes. I’ll likely never have the opportunity to try your products, but your brand is now permanently etched into my E3 memories for all time. And what the fuck is a “Devil Dog” anyway?

One of the things I wasn’t aware of before jetting off to my first live E3 is just how little sleeping I’d be doing. For the six days the trip lasted, I’d say I probably averaged around five hours a sleep a night. Staying up late drinking, writing, and singing Bjork at a Japanese karaoke bar will do that to you.

I’m use to getting very little sleep as normally I max out a six hours a night, but part of the reason I’m able to do that with such regularity and without it hurting my performance for the day is I always wake up to a nice, hot, soothing shower. But not at E3. At E3, in the Airbnb we rented for the week, I had to contend with this fucking showerhead.

Look at that thing. Four shitty nozzles that spray hard water directly onto a small part of your body, perfect for power blasting paint off of siding or caked-on poo off your anus. There’s nothing soothing about that. This was a horrible way to start each morning. And it must have been doubly bad for the other guys sharing the apartment because there is no way any of them got a restful night’s sleep with my seismicsnoring.