Hey, so what's your WPM?


We go fast

You Gamers probably only know the WASD keys, but a wordsmith like me has to have full command of the whole keyboard. I got all 26 letters memorized, the space bar, the commas and apostrophes, the shifts, and sometimes even the numbers. Impressive, I’m aware.

There was one time in college where I was struggling to find a summer job so I went to one of those job placement center things. Part of the process was that I had to take a typing test. Halfway through, some old lady who was taking the test next to me loudly complained to everyone that I was typing too fast and too loud for her to concentrate. Yeah, I’m that good. I think I got a job landscaping for the summer or something.

Please sit down before you consider this: I have only gotten better since then.

Every professional athlete eventually wonders how elite they actually are. Quantify it. Strip it of the intangibles and boil it down to a raw number. Leadership and grit don’t count for shit. I want to know that you averaged a triple-double for a whole season.

So I took a typing test —this one, the typing test with the best SEO. Free of the burden of that job placement lady, I did pretty dang well. Put this on the back of my rookie card:

For posterity’s sake, let’s check in with some other people. As you can see below, Ray’s good for 69 but he has 6(!!!) errors. Ray is nothing but liabilities. Ray should go take my old landscaping job and ditch the keyboard forever.

As much as it pains me to say, Jordan is a better man than me. He’s been doing this for like literally his whole life though! He’s half man, half mechanical keyboard. And that’s fine! I can take it on the chin every now and then. If anything happens to me, I leave all my possessions to Jordan and his otherworldly typing skills.

Darren’s even better than Jordan! Still, I respect Jordan’s score more. Darren’s clearly trying too hard, like that time he put his whole mouth around the rim of a soda can. I am not altering my will to bequeath anything to Darren.

Steven’s a fucking cheater.

And Chris… this is why you don’t mess with Chris.