Nintendo hires second sloth at NES Classic factory (Fauxclusive)


Production moving faster than ever

Following news that Nintendo is ramping up efforts to produce more Switch units, the company also announced it will double the workforce at the facility manufacturing the NES Classic by hiring a second sloth.

The sloth, named Màn, is set to join the only other employee in the factory, Bǐjiào màn, another sloth who has been unable to meet the global demand for the hot-ticket item.

“After many meetings with the higher-ups, we’ve come to realize we’ll never satisfy every fan looking for the NES Classic with just one sloth on the job, especially when that sloth keeps taking three-hour smoking breaks,” company spokesman Kyle Toadsly explained. “That’s why we hired a second sloth. With the two of them at work, we’re fairly confident we’ll be able to sell a Classic to everyone who wants one by the year 2087.”

Toadsly says the company had hoped that one sloth would be able to produce enough units to last long enough for everyone to get over it but says it was caught off-guard by the high demand for classic Nintendo titles that there always has been and always will be high demand for.

“We understand that there are millions of people who only already have three or four copies of these games they’ve bought from Nintendo throughout the years,” Toadsly said. “Trust me when I say it pains us to know that some people can only play Super Mario Bros. on their Wii U, 3DS, Wii Virtual Console, Wii as part of the 25th Anniversary collection, GameCube, Game Boy Advance, Game Boy Color, Super Nintendo, NES, and that copy you downloaded to your computer as a way to stick it to us or something. With two sloths now on the job, know that you are closer than ever to having yet another device to play that classic game on. The device I’m talking about is, of course, the Nintendo Switch, but I’m pretty sure you’ll be able to get a Classic too eventually.”