Sociopathic gamer's death threats just aren't what they used to be (Fauxclusive)


The magic is gone

Deleting a poorly constructed sentence detailing his plan to skin a game developer alive, perpetually angry gamer Marsten Cally admitted today his heart is no longer in the vile, disgusting death threats he sends out.

Cally, who sends an average of three death threats a day to video game developers for what only can be described as innocuous offenses, said he first noticed the declining quality of his threats when he sent out a score of emails to Bethesda employees, but forgot to include any mention of wanting to kill them.

“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve written an obtuse, typo-filled angry rant to a developer only to forget to say I’m going to murder them before I hit send,” Cally explained. “It’s embarrassing to have to shoot them a follow-up email two minutes later that says ‘Oh, by the way, I’m going to kill you if you don’t do what I say.’”

Since then, the ferocity in which he tackles each and every monstrous death threat has been absent.

“Itusedto be so easy for me,” Cally said. “Everything set me off: delaying a game, canceling a game, moving up a game, announcing a game, women; all of it providing the inspiration required for the truly depraved shit I would send to complete strangers. Now I barely have the motivation to tell some indie developer that I’m going to drive to their house and stab them to death in front of their family. I’m starting to worry nobody will take my anonymous and pathetic threats seriously anymore.”

Cally says if he doesn’t rediscover his enthusiasm for terrorizing the people who make the things he loves, he may have no choice but to grow the fuck up.