Belated(?) E3 predictions of 202X!


There’s always the future

Is this late or is it too early? With the lack of an E3 this year, we’re currently being drip-fed scattered live streams and announcements. Understandable in the face of 2020 being an utter hellscape. Still, it doesn’t mean we can’t look to the future or have predictions, or even divinations, and the Destructoid community is always glad to provide questions.

When we did this in the past, I would take on a Persona theme and do tarot readings. There will be a kind of tarot reading here, but we’re switching the venue to Final Fantasy XIV since I’m a part-time Astrologian there, a soothsayer who divines the future through cards imbued with power drawn from constellations.

It’s basically the same wheelhouse of Fruedian and Jungian themes as Persona, but I also leveled a Dark Knight steeped in Carl Jung’s shadow integration concepts as well, so I’ll let my dark side give some answers, too.

And then there is this little fella, The Great Serpent of Ronka. A divine being looked to for prophecy by the Ronkan people in times long past. He shall also give answers to your questions and totally did not have his answers written by Occams instead.

So let’s see what the cards, my shadow, and this weird snake have to say.

Please don’t sue us, Square Enix.

RenaudB906: Is this finally the year Reggie gives us Mother 3?

The Dark Knight answers!

I know a man named Reginald. Tall slab of beef with a head shaped like a ham hock. Each day he’d stop by the bar and ordered the same swill and would cry into it. He had tried to become a temple knight but couldn’t make the cut.

Fine by me, all temple knights are bastards.

Anyway, he was an raised in a brothel and had the privilege of having three mothers to answer to. Cindy, Sandy, and Mindy I think he said they were. They’re still working, but he never tells me where.

RiffRaff6: Is Bayonetta 3 cancelled?

The Serpent answers!


(Not unless the internet discovers some rather problematic posts she made on a message board about Marlee Matlin’s fake nudes.)

Fivefinger Delta: Skate 4?

The Dark Knight answers!

Sometimes I like to take a break and go fishing out in the highlands of Western Coerthas to get my mind off things. I had come to know many spots there, though one day I didn’t have the area to myself. There was a couple skating on the lake near my favorite spot. A temple knight and a priestess.

I remembered them. I remembered the poor little boy they tripped and laughed at. He had worked hard getting that sack of potatoes for his family in the slums. I helped him salvage what he could, but several were ruined. They didn’t care.

And so when they went to the far end of the lake I just jabbed my claymore into my end a few times and went back to my pond. There was a cracking noise later, followed by a splash and cries for help.

I just kept fishing, Skates? Something going on with that, I suppose.

Inquisitive Ravenclaw: Gravity Rush 3 for Playstation 5? It’s basically the only thing that’ll make me consider getting one at launch.

The Serpent answers!

Scree. Scree.

(To rush gravity for a third time is to dream an impossible dream.)

Sailor Zebes: Will we get Dragon Quest news?


(No. But only because the puff-puff physics engine is too buggy in its current state.)

Major Toms Coffee Cup: Monster Hunter Switch Land?

The Astrologian answers!

Cards drawn: Ewer (Inverted), Balance (Inverted). Arrow

The Ewer is the river from which all knowledge flows and one would think by now Capcom would have learned to prioritize the Nintendo Switch, but this is not the case. The Balance maintains that at present, while Capcom has gotten better on this front, they are still spinning their wheels. The Arrow points out a future in which they may yet find the wisdom in returning Monster Hunter to its portable realm, but not immediately.

Because Capcom.

Is Metroid Prime Trilogy HD real?

The Serpent answers!


(What is real? Does a memory held in the heart make something real? Much like how the thought of a loving grandparent who has passed sometimes pops into your mind at the moment of climax during oral sex, so to does Metroid Prime Trilogy HD exist.)

Is Monolith working on a new IP or another Xenoblade?

The Serpent answers!


(Another Xenoblade. Three new games in the Xenoblade universe, actually. However, like all good things, the bloom falls off the rose and eventually people start wishing they’d do something with Baiten Kaitos.)

siddartha858: Will we finally get Wonder Project J?

The Astrologian answers!

Cards drawn: Ewer (Inverted), Arrow, Spear

Hmm… The Ewer once again turns away from wisdom, much like Pino’s inspiration. The Arrow points to someone within the remnants of Enix sharing your passion and The Spear suggest to look hopefully to Halone in the heavens to grant your desire. Or fury.

She is largely known for her temper.

Sam van der Meer: Pikmin anything?

The Dark Knight answers!

Have you ever tried growing flowers and vegetables with kolbold pikeman blood? The little jerks keep trying to take my vegetables and so I constantly end up soaking the place with their blood and entrails instead of using water.

It’s a slower process, but it works and I get free kolbold bits to use for fertilizer.

EtosiGiR: Beyond Good and Evil 2… anything? Wireless PSVR when?

The Serpent answers!

Scree. Scree. Scree scree.

(Beyond Good and Evil 2 swelled like an overripe berry in hearts and minds but like so many great ideas, the pieces did not come together. Like the Bigfoot, this one lives in myth… for now.

The PSVR… I see a vision… 1907… Wardenclyffe Tower stands complete. Nikola Tesla whispers a prayer to the things that live between spaces and it is carried on electric currents into the sky. This is the moment everything changes. In this world, wireless PSVR has existed since 1999. Released byTesla, the largest Thinkspace conglomerate in known dimensional space, the device was marketed as having the ability to cast a user’s dreams onto the material plane and allow them to live out their wildest fantasies at home. Currently, the Tesla Dreamcast is on its 13th generation upgrade and is available as an outpatient surgical procedure.)

Boxman214: Will Viva Piñata finally return?

The Astrologian answers!

Cards drawn: Bole (Inverted), Arrow (Inverted), Spire

The Bole represents the Tree of Life, what some among you might call Yggdrasil. Alas, The Bole is inverted and the life of living papercrafts wane! The Arrow is currently unmoving, pointed down toward the past. The lofty Spire, symbol of innovation and accomplishment, implies the people behind Viva Piñata may have something in store. I am unsure it is full of candy, though.

Will The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess and The Wind Waker finally release on Switch?

The Dark Knight answers!

Well, I mean, I guess it’s fine to have another trip down memory lane. I do it all the time. It’s why my job’s story is the best one in all of Final Fantasy XIV (shut it, scholars, you know it’s true). I’m actually something of a destined chosen one like that Link guy. Each time my world is threatened, Hydaelyn calls for a Warrior of Light to put an end to the evil threatening it. That’s where I come in.

It’s just I get more variety – fascist generals, ancient rage dragons, spoiled princes, cosmic cultists – that sort of thing. It’s not the same green-skinned redhead over and over, though think I did put one such fella down.

I think his name was Gabenderf? Maybe Gollumduff? Some big hulking Roegadyn guy. Don’t recall much about him aside from running him through with my Cronus Lux after he robbed someone. Not really an endgame boss for me.

Vincentdante: Is that 3D Mario All-Stars rumour going to be a real thing?

The Serpent answers!


(No. Not that. The path to ruin begins there. The sky is snowing, grey and stinging flakes that itch no matter how much you scratch. Skittering, chewed up things dance as their skin sloughs away.3D Mario All Stars can never be.)

lokhe7: Is Capcom working on Dragon’s Dogma 2?

The Serpent answers!


(Capcom had made plans years ago for a sequel but needed technology to catch up to the grandiose vision the studio had for its upgraded magic system. The goblins are fucked.)

PhilKenSebben: Will EA port Skate 2 to Switch, or god forbid, release an HD collection for all systems?

The Astrologian answers!

Cards drawn: Spire (Inverted), Bole, Balance (Inverted)

The Spire looms in the night, casting casting a fell shadow upon Skate ports to the Switch. I mean, have you seen EA’s plans? No Dragon Age, Dead Space or Mass Effect anywhere!


The Bole is hale and whole. It seems the series has a future, but as much as that would make sense for Nintendo Switch, the Balance would like to remind you this is EA we’re talking about and to be careful what you wish for.

NeoTurbo: Will Devolver win E3 again?

The Dark Knight answers!

When you see a wild-eyed woman covered in blood, you give her what she wants. I’d like some mocha almond fudge ice cream and my three-headed hellpuppy would like some fresh water and the head of a chocobo.

Jordan Devore: Will Kojima try to make a new genre?

The Serpent answers!


(Mantis shrimp have between twelve and sixteen photoreceptor cells in their eyes, compared to human being’s three. Kojima’s next game will attempt to create the secret colors only mantis shrimp can see. The process will drive him mad but the experience will inspire Juni Ito to create his finest work since Uzumaki.)

GoofierBrute: Will Knack 3 be a PS5 launch title?

The Astrologians answers!

No cards needed. We’re safe.