Did the Umbrella Corporation help write the TPP? (Fauxclusive)


You down with TPP?

The full text of the Trans Pacific Partnership, the massive trade deal that will finally turn the Pacific Rim into one giant corporatocracy, was released yesterday to an expected amount of skepticism. While government officials in all of the participating states are endorsing the deal, so are many business entities; including the Umbrella Corporation, which held a press conference this morning throwing its support behind the bill. This particular endorsement has garnered a lot of attention.

“Throughout this 6,000 page document, we’ve found numerous instances of exemptions that seem to only apply to the Umbrella Corp,” explains economist Daryl Bergen. “For instance, page 4,567 section B is titled the ‘Zombie Creation Exemption,’ where any corporation that inadvertently or purposefully creates a murderous army of zombies will not be held at fault for the catastrophic damage they cause. Even worse, section C states the corporation can sue for any losses that come with humanity fighting back against the flesh-eating monsters as zombies immediately become the property of the corporation upon creation.”

While it’s long been known senior corporate executives and lobbyists helped shape the TPP, these passages represent the first occurrences of the deal favoring a single company. At this mornings press conference, Umbrella spokesperson Amanda Whitney was asked if the corporation did indeed help write the bill. Ms. Whitney denied the allegations and fled the stage after unleashing a swarm of giant tarantulas on reporters.

Economists agree these Umbrella Corporation-friendly provisions are not only bad for the economy but also for the survival of the human race as a whole. They’re also not too keen on sections that end the ban on the sale of RuptureFarms products and give the Shin-Ra Electric Power Company a complete monopoly on Mako.