Promoted: Covenants of the Weak



[This week’s CotW is brought to you by the letter D. The power of the sun, right in a bottle, SunnyD! ~Marcel]

Come one, come all! It’s time for yet another installment of Covenants of the Weak. It’s here that we shine a most unwelcome light on the casuls of the world and the covenants that define them.

We have some real ”winners” this time who are bound to provide even the most idiotic people with an undeserved chance at victory.

Bell Keeper Covenant

The Clangbangers of the two towers live and breathe scummy tactics. Not only do they get spooky dwarves as allies, but thanks to Dark Souls 2 having actual matchmaking instead of the hamster wheel of the first game, it’s almost assured that you’ll get a ganking friend as you go to town on a poor hollowed host. And not only that, you actually get good rewards for every kill, making you even stronger.

Pilgrims of Dark Covenant

What’s better than losing an effigy’s worth of humanity on a death? Losing two, of course! And that’s where the pilgrims come in. The Dark Chasm of Old is full of holes and super strong NPCs that aggro on everyone in sight. It’s child’s play to corral a few bastards into the poor host and scare him off a ledge. It’s a kindness really. Gotta save people the hardship of fighting Darklurker. Two effigies at a time.

Warrior of Sunlight Covenant

Whatever their current name may be, the sun bros are always there to help. Can’t beat Spidertits? Can’t give Friede the stunlock she deserves? Can’t find the hidden bonfire before Elana? Then summon a sun bro and see the game in a new light! No longer will you fear, well, anything. No challenge too great, no treasure out of reach. It’s truly the way for casuls to beat the games without shaming themselves with help from outside of the game.

Forest Hunter Covenant

The OG (as the kids say) ganker covenant, this one. The chance of getting a player pal may be lower, but you get some helpers who aren’t dwarves. Like trees. More trees. And some cheeky backstab fisher. It’s all good.

Rat King Covenant

But what if you don’t like other people? Ally with the rats! As a Brodent, you get tricks, traps and minions. Not to mention the element of surprise, as you lie in wait for your guest. And if you want to be a complete arsehat, you can offer some bonfire ascetics. Doing so puts your minions into increasing levels of NG+. That is such overkill that you won’t even have to play. It’s the ultimate casul experience!

Way of Blue Covenant

Ah yes, the other blueberry covenant, otherwise known as the Covenant of the Meek. Truly, it would be the most casul of them all if the protection it offers against actually worked. Matchmaking is convoluted.

Bloodborne Covenants?

Whoops, there seems to have been a mistake here. This might come as a surprise, but no one has actually made use of the covenants in Bloodborne, nor engaged in PVP. The matchmaking functionality never made its way past the conceptual stage. All the things people thought was multiplayer was actually chem trails. All of it. True story.

Matchmaker of Gankalot Covenant

People often ridicule Dark Souls 3 for not bringing much new to the table and rightly so. But it did bring us this revolutionary new covenant that changed the whole game. That’s because it’s not a standard covenant, seeing as you can’t opt out of it, no matter what demented god you pray to. It makes it so that you won’t ever get invaded unless you have a friend with you. And isn’t that what the Souls-games are really about? To gank your fellow man until the cows go hollow?

That’s all for this piece of COTW. Stay fresh, mon amigos, and pray that the poise monster won’t stunlock you in your sleep!