Somebody please delete Nonstop Chuck Norris from my phone


I should hate it, but I can’t stop “playing”

Nonstop Chuck Norris is not a game you should download. It’s really not a game I should be writing about. In my quest to tell people about good mobile titles they should try, it’s the type of game I would play for five minutes before deleting and never picking up again, like Power Rangers: Legacy Wars or Transformers: Forged to Fight, both equally uninteresting apps that briefly graced my Android home screen earlier this month.

Nonstop Chuck Norris is just as uninteresting as those two, perhaps less. Fromflaregames, it’s an auto brawler, featuring an animated Chuck running around procedurally generated rooftops beating the snot out of punks, crooks, businessmen, guys with umbrellas and bad hombres. Because this game stars Chuck Norris, I’m going to assume all of the enemies are either homosexuals or single mothers. The Chuck Norris meme is alive and well here, gracing every loading screen with a new and equally unfunny “fact” about the guy who once predicted a thousand years of darkness would follow the reelection of Barack Obama. And just in case you’re wondering how timely the memes in this game are, know that one of the pets you can get is a honey badger.

User input is limited to just activating Chuck’s special skills, and equipping and leveling up his many different hats, costumes and weapons. Because he’s Chuck Norris, he doesn’t use every weapon like it should be used. When swinging a chainsaw, he grabs it by the blade because [insert tired Chuck Norris fact here]. He doesn’t shoot a gun; he swings it like a well-armed villain in a Christopher Nolan Batman film.

I don’t even like Chuck Norris if that wasn’t already clear. He is a phenomenally bad actor. None of his movies are good and the only worthwhile thing to come out of Walker Texas Ranger is this clip. Plus, this is just another example of the lethargic state of mobile game development. All of that is fresh in my mind every time I look at the Nonstop Chuck Norris icon on my screen, yet I can’t stop myself from loading it up every day for my train ride home.

Like a lava lamp for your stoned roommate, I am for more entertained by Chuck Norris dressed in the Android mascot costume swinging a giant lollipop than I should be. There is something absolutely mesmerizing about watching this little cartoon figure run around these inoffensively graffitied rooftops smashing the hell out of yakuza and clowns. I mean it. For 30 minutestoday, I didn’t take my eyes off the phone as Chuck did what Chuck does. I could actively feel my brain rotting away the way it does for people who keep up with the Kardashians, what little brains theyhaveto begin with.

Wait, I can’t mock those peopleanymore. With Nonstop Chuck Norris, I am no better than them for I too am finding cheap, empty entertainment in the lowest common denominator.

If this were Nonstop Jackie Chan or Nonstop Michelle Yeoh, I might not actually hate myself for enjoying it because neither of those two are terrible. In fact, this article would probably have had a different tone to it, one that acknowledges the puerility of the gameplay but complements it because who doesn’t like watching Jackie Chan beat people up. But because it stars the guy who writes for WorldNetDaily, Nonstop Chuck Norris will remain a shameful guilty pleasure.